The first few years of Chloe Dean’s experiences on dating apps were characterized by bad matches and “situationships” — a romantic relationship with no label or promise of commitment.
“It was a struggle, honestly, it’s rough out there on the apps,” said Dean, 26, a social media content creator and marketing student at the British Columbia Institute of Technology. “I’m sure anyone who has used them knows it’s exhausting.”
Dean’s tale is a common one among gen-Zers.
Around the globe, the generation born between 1997 and 2012 is dating less than previous generations, survey data show. Sources point to numerous factors behind the trend, such as technology and higher living costs.
“Where that generation has been so raised on apps or their phones and Snapchats and Instagram, they haven’t necessarily learned to develop those skills of how to connect in-person,” said Nicole Haley, a dating coach in Vancouver.
“You can’t rely on your phone to be the way of connecting and creating that depth that really sustains a long-term relationship.”
Colin Malone, a dating coach in Toronto for men, agrees that technological advances have fuelled disconnection. Social media and dating apps have made people “less practiced at actually connecting in-person,” he said.
Most gen-Zers chose to communicate by sending messages by text or through social media apps, rather than on the phone or in person, says Malone.
In Dean’s experience, this is even the case for couples in relationships.
“I remember boys would … talk to me on Instagram, or they would Snapchat me, and then they would ignore me at school,” she said. “It’s almost like they’re nervous, or they’re just not that into you … They just put in the lowest amount of effort to keep you interested.”
The Survey Center on American Life, a research nonprofit, found nearly half of American gen-Z men had no relationship experience during their teen years. This is about double the rate of generation Xers and boomers, who were born between 1946 and 1980.
And a 2021 study by the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior found there was an approximately 50 per cent rise in American adolescents reporting no sexual activity between 2009 and 2018.
Comparable data on the dating habits of Canadian gen-Zers is lacking. But the dating experts Canadian Affairs spoke to for this story say they see similar trends among their Canadian clients.
Malone, the Toronto dating coach, suggests dating apps can foster a belief that there is an abundance of partner options. “[Y]ou’re like, ‘Swipe, next person, swipe, next person’,” he said.
This perception of vast choice can trigger FOMO — fear of missing out — making singles less inclined to commit to one relationship.
“The way that social media and these dating apps are set up and designed, it’s causing a lot more people to … [be in] ‘situationships’,” said Malone, who says situationships are common among gen-Zers.
Kellie Davis, an author and dating coach in London, U.K., refers to dating sites as a “genius idea.” However, they have also “made it so that people just don’t care. I find relationships now are so thrown away.”
“Why put in that effort that’s needed for a relationship when you can just have 14 situationships in the background?” she said.
But Dean says many young people do not actually want to be in these informal, non-commital relationships.
“When you’re in it … you’re like, ‘No, I gotta have this cool girl mentality, like he’s kind of emotionally distant, like I’ll just be like that too’,” said Dean.
“I think a lot of girls and women … [think] they have to match the guy’s energy and pretend like it’s a competition of who can care less [about the relationship].”
‘Can’t afford to date’
Sources also pointed to the high cost of living as a reason that dating has declined.
“They actually say to me, ‘I can’t afford to date’,” said Davis, about her generation Z clients.
Andrew Sofin, a registered family therapist and president of the Canadian Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, says the Canadian Dream — of having a house, family and kids — looks increasingly unattainable to many gen-Zers.
“There’s a huge tension that sometimes the parents are kind of oblivious to,” he said.
Sofin says the feeling that one is failing to meet life goals may also explain why gen-Zers are more anxious than older generations.
Here again, social media may play a role. Social media content that showcases young people achieving major lifestyle milestones — such as purchasing a first home — can make others feel bad about their own situations.
“They see that as real, living in great big houses, moving to Dubai, you know, living this lifestyle that they’re not even beginning to attain,” said Davis “It makes them feel almost like a loser from the start.”
Gen-Zers may also feel anxious about building a family unit if they have grown up in divorced or single-parent households, says Davis. Single-parent households have increased in recent decades, rising from six per cent in 1961 to 16 per cent in 2021, according to Statistics Canada.
“They see failed relationships, and it makes them feel very despondent at the thought of getting into a relationship, like, ‘what’s the point? It’s only going to end anyway’,” said Davis.
But while marriage rates are falling in most developed countries, a 2020 survey by the wedding planning site The Knot found 80 per cent of gen-Zers are putting at least some thought into getting married.
Dean counts herself among the gen-Zers who value long-term relationships.
Two years ago, she decided to give dating apps one last shot before taking a break from swiping. Her current boyfriend had decided to do the same, and he and Dean matched.
He was open, emotionally available, clear about his commitment — and the elusive spark was there.
“We just really hit it off,” she said. “The rest is history.”
