Six weeks after his first child was born, Paul Hook deployed to Afghanistan.
“I missed six months of her doing all the first things that I would never get to see again,” said Hook, who was a lieutenant in the Canadian Armed Forces at the time.
Three years later, in 2008, Hook decided to take a different approach with his second child. He informed his superior he “was going to take four or five months of parental leave, because I was never at home.”
“‘If you do that, it’s probably going to affect your military career,’” Hook recalls being told.
The message “wasn’t a threat, it was just a reality,” said Hook, who still took the leave anyway. “But it was really … disappointing.”
Like Hook, many military fathers and families struggle to balance their personal and professional lives. It takes sacrifice and dedication to do both well.
“We’re always taught … Mission, soldiers, self. … Where do you prioritize your family in that?” said Hook, who left the military in 2022, in part so he could be a more present father.
‘Not their fault’
A 2015 paper on military families by Veterans Affairs Canada puts the divorce rate for “regular force veterans” at 11 per cent, versus seven per cent for the general population.
Statistics Canada told Canadians Affairs that veteran families are also more likely to be part of stepfamilies than non-military families.
Military job requirements place a significant burden on military families, says Stéphanie Bélanger, associate scientific director at the non-profit Canadian Institute for Military and Veteran Health Research.
Military training and coursework require weeks, if not months, away from home. After completing training, most members deploy.
“Military members are never there [with their families], and it’s not their fault,” said Hook, who is today managing director of the Canadian Institute for Military and Veteran Health Research.
“If … they can’t [be away from their families], then they can’t get promoted. If they can’t get promoted, they don’t get a pay raise, they don’t get posted, they don’t get training, they don’t get courses, and then they’re stuck — and that’s not what they joined up to do,” he said.
A promotion often means being posted to a new location, either in Canada or abroad. About one-fifth of military members move annually, according to Government of Canada data.
Military families often also relocate to the new posting. This can significantly hamper a spouse’s career prospects and the whole family’s social connections, says Bélanger.
“That spouse now has to get back in the bottom of the barrel for seniority and then loses positions or loses vacation time and has to work their way back up,” said Hook.
Some military families also put themselves in harm’s way, depending on where they are posted.
“While we were in Israel, there was an 11 day rocket war, and we ended up spending time in a bomb shelter in our house,” said Hook. “My kids didn’t sign up for that.”
‘The greatest dad’
Véronique Bérubé, 21, saw the dedicated effort it took for her military parents to provide for her and her older brother.
Her mother, retired Capt. Karine Lachapelle, worked on Canadian intelligence missions. Her father, retired infantry officer Lt.-Col. Robert Bérubé, worked for Canadian Special Operations Regiment, of Canada’s special forces.
Growing up, many birthdays and Christmases were celebrated with only one parent, she says. She and her brother were enrolled in before- and after-school programs, and were often picked up by relatives or friends.
Bérubé, a proud, self-described “military brat” — military lingo for the child of a military member — says she loved her childhood.
She credits her parents’ attentiveness to never feeling neglected. Her dad, who was away most often, was extremely present during the periods he was at home. He worked hard to go above and beyond for the family.
“He built us a playground when we were kids … he would take us camping in the backyard. And if I wanted to play, like, any girl game, of course, we’re doing it.”
When she was eight, he surprised Bérubé and her friends by showing up at their school in a limo, dressed in a driver’s uniform, with Selena Gomez concert tickets.
“He made a sign that says, ‘We love you, Selena,’ drew it up [with a pink heart], and brought us all, like, girly outfits, [and] coordinated with all the moms,” said Bérubé. “He was just the greatest dad.”
Bérubé says her family was also part of a strong military community that helped military families feel supported. “If it was an emergency, for example … [and] the kids [needed to be] taken care of, someone [would step in to help] at the drop of a hat,” she said.
Hook says he saw military communities support families with everything from chores to snow clearing to educational bursaries.
This support makes it easier for military families to support the family member who is serving in the Forces, Hook says. In the armed forces, military families are often referred to as “the strength behind the uniform.”
Hook credits his wife’s dedication as a key factor in his own successful military career and healthy family.
“I have a great wife. She has made tonnes of sacrifices in her career and her life,” he said. “Without that support from her, I wouldn’t have been able to do what I did.”
‘Dandelions’
Bélanger notes that retention in the military is an issue. People tend to stay somewhere between three and nine years, she says.
Both Hook and Bérubé say a major reason their families left the military was to provide more stability at home as their kids entered high school.
Hook says more can be done to support military families. He would like to see the military better account for families’ needs when considering postings.
Department of National Defence Public Affairs Officer Captain Geneviève Paris said recent improvements to better support military families include a 24/7 family information line. She also said improvements to military services outside Canada have helped more families accompany a military member when they are posted abroad.
“Military Family Services also delivers programs that target the stressors of military service through counselling services,” said Paris in an emailed statement. “All services are designed to support both members and their families throughout a career in the [Canadian Armed Forces].”
He also advocates for increasing on-base housing, to enable military parents to be more present at home and to facilitate families’ integration into the military community.
Military identity “gets ingrained into” the family, says Bélanger. Many children of military families refer to themselves as “dandelions” — because they can thrive wherever they go.
“The service not only belongs to the military member, but also to their families,” she said. “It also creates another generation who want to do the same.”
Bérubé, who is currently a student at Queen’s University and research fellow at the Canadian Institute for Military and Veteran Health Research, says she is still considering whether to join the military herself.
“When we left [the military] I was so sad,” she said. “I was like, we’re not special anymore, because you just feel this immense pride … with military life.”
Looking back, she feels grateful for all her parent’s efforts to their family — and their contributions to the Canadian military.
“I would do it a million times over … It was amazing.”
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