Last Friday, married mother-of-four Jessica Kolodenchuck noticed when her oldest son, 11, arrived home from school and immediately rallied his younger siblings to help put the house in order.
Kolodenchuck, a Tupperware representative in Mirabel, Que., says she has always taught her kids the value of doing household chores. In that moment, she felt proud to see her son teach those same values to his siblings.
“I think in general, moments that make us proud to be parents, to be a mother … are those moments where you see them grow, and you see them put into practice things that you’ve been trying to teach them for such a long time.”
Parenthood is a deeply fulfilling experience, says Margo Hilbrecht, executive director of The Vanier Institute of the Family, a national think tank.
However, many recent studies say the opposite. They show parents feel stressed and less happy than those who are childless.
But these results omit an important truth, sources say. Daily parenting is often stressful, but it is also deeply satisfying — and there are ways to manage the stress of parenting while maximizing satisfaction.
Overall satisfaction
Parenting is dramatically more stressful today than it was in prior generations, says Hilbrecht.
In a 2024 advisory, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy labelled parenting a public health issue. His advisory cited data showing nearly half of parents experience “completely overwhelming” stress most days, versus just 26 per cent of other adults.
Moms in particular can shoulder many of the burdens of parenthood. For example, mothers still tend to do a disproportionate amount of the housework, says Nathan Battams, a knowledge mobilization specialist at The Vanier Institute.
High costs of living are another stressor. Last year, nearly half of Canadians reported rising prices were significantly affecting their ability to cover day-to-day expenses. Households with children were more likely to report financial difficulties than those without them.
Meanwhile, parents feel immense pressure to ensure their children succeed, says Hilbrecht.
“It’s spending a lot of time together and enrolling them in a variety of activities that they feel are going to be beneficial to the children, even though it might come at a great cost for the parents.”
For all these reasons, studies of parental well-being reveal parents to be feeling stressed — and rightfully so, Hilbrecht says.
But these studies are often “situational and immediate,” she added, and may not tell the full story.
For one, the stage that a parent is at with their kids can greatly affect their happiness.
“When you have a newborn and you’re getting no sleep and you’re exhausted and you can’t even get a shower … It’s a [very] different parenting experience than maybe the experience that you have when your kids are in high school,” Hilbrecht said.
“Or when your kids are in their 20s or 30s, when they’re having their own children, or if you’re in your 80s, 90s, how do you feel about being a parent then? … I would think it’s very different.”
There are also multiple ways to measure parental happiness, including determining parents’ overall life satisfaction and the amount of purpose they derive from their lives.
“Life satisfaction, I think, is actually a better measure,” said Hilbrecht.
In a 2023 Pew Research Center survey, the majority of parents reported that they found being a parent enjoyable and rewarding all or most of the time.
‘The bigger the gap’
Nora Spinks, founder and president of the consultancy Work-Life Harmony Enterprises, says families have the best outcomes when parents can balance what she refers to as stress “equations.”
One equation is between the demands on a parent and what they can control.
“If the demand goes up disproportionately to the amount [a parent can] control, the bigger the gap, the bigger the stress,” she said. “So if your demands are [that] you need an hour to go pick up your kids and school’s out at 3:10 … if you’ve got control and you can flex your hours … [then] you’re going to be fine.”
What is important, she says, is having people around — such as partners or colleagues — who can provide that flexibility.
Spinks also encourages parents to be realistic, noting a lot of parenting guilt derives from unrealistic expectations about the demands on them. Some of these expectations are shaped by social media, which can depict a polished or lavish family life. Spinks recommends ignoring — and unfollowing — any advice that is not realistic.
She pointed to a recent social media video of a parent watching a tutorial on how to fold underwear — before dumping a load of unfolded toddler underwear into a drawer.
“Am I going to sit and fold underwear like on TikTok? No way — not going to happen. This is real life,” said Spinks. “And you know what? It’s totally fine.”
‘Stronger than you thought’
Another equation is between effort and reward, Spinks says. Parents feel more stressed if they are not recognized for all the effort they pour into parenting.
“If your kids, your in-laws, your parents, your partner, your best friend … are there to say you’re doing an awesome job … then the effort doesn’t matter so long as they go up proportionately.
“Where parents become really stressed is when they put in all this effort and they get no reward. That’s when people start to feel it, physically, emotionally, financially … they start to get sick.”
In addition to having a support group that recognizes one’s efforts, Spinks says parents can find their own sense of reward by recognizing their own growth.
“Kids teach you about your limits and they remind you every day that you’re stronger than you ever thought … and that you’re able to continuously learn.
“Because as soon as you figure out toddlerhood, you’ve got a preschooler. As soon as you figure out your preschooler, you’ve got a school-aged kid. So you’re constantly adapting and learning and growing and changing. All of that can be very, very rewarding.”
For Kolodenchuck, one of the daily moments she finds rewarding is snuggling with her kids at bedtime.
“It’s just a moment of having my kids put their arms around my neck — their little tiny hands, some of the hands are getting bigger,” she said.
“It’s just that moment of peace and quiet and serenity and ‘I love you, mom.’”
